Well, I’ve been dreading this week --- but as much as one tries to make time stand still or flash forward, it doesn’t. You’re still required to live every single day. Tomorrow’s my birthday…. and you know what that means? Normally, it would mean that about three weeks ago you’d call me and say “Shell, sorry I’m not going to be home for your birthday, I’m going fishing with ______ in Canada, Arkansas, etc.” It was such a ritual that it became our family standing joke. . . . your dad’s not going to be here on your birthday. Well, that’s exactly what’s going to happen this year . . . . . only it’s not a joke . . . . and we won’t “get together when you get home.” And my phone won’t ring sometime tomorrow for me to answer and hear “Happy Birthday Pumpkin Head.”
I’m having a really hard time with that! A real hard time. Partly because it’s another first event that will have a hole in it, and partly because it will kick off a whole month of REALLY tough days. In the next 30 days we get to experience our first my birthday, Mom’s birthday, father’s day, Curtis’ birthday, College World Series and your and Mom’s anniversary WITHOUT you. My heart literally aches just thinking about how empty one of the busiest months within our family will feel.
My husband is wonderful. . .. he’s put together a bbq with some family and close friends to hopefully create a night of fun, laughter, and memories. Tomorrow I’ll be surrounded by my three babes, maybe take a trip to my favorite winery for a bottle or two of my favorite wine, and just enjoy the moments I have with my family on this holiday weekend. Yes, I know life has to go on. Yes, I know the only productive thing to do is allow myself to feel what I am feeling, work through it and continue forward. But I don’t want to!!! Sometimes it’s harder KNOWING when you how the pain feels to allow yourself to feel it instead of suppressing it. I’ve gotten good at that too ---- but all it’s done is given me extra opportunities to use my migraine medication and invoked a very angry pit inside of me that has crappy effects on my actions, reactions and relationships.
Driving home from work today one of my favorite Diamond Rio songs came on - - - and it brought me to tears ---- because it couldn’t be more true in that even if we were given one more day with you, all it would do is make us wish for one MORE day.
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money
Or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I'd do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I'd unplug the telephone
And keep the TV off
I'd hold you every second
Say a million I love you's
That's what I'd do, with one more day with you
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
So I will put on my smile I will enjoy those that love me being around me and I will move forward ---- because that’s what you’d want me to do and that’s what I am supposed to do….but I will miss you --- and when I blow my candles out my wish will be that somehow, some way I’ll know you’re looking in on me tomorrow. I love you.
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