Monday, June 28, 2010

June Part 1

I’m going to try this again tonight . . . .I’ve tried to write this about six times and I can’t get through the first paragraph. So, I’ve decided I’m just going to type and type and whatever comes out is what it is!! I think I’ve been so worried about making sure that the emotions I’m feeling or not feeling are right, or that my kids are so screwed up I’m not sure what to do with them, that I don’t just “be” --- or I’m scared what will happen if I do.

Dad, June’s been a crazy month. It’s been a eye opening month. It’s been a tough month. Ok, so I had NO desire to do anything for my birthday. It just hurt….. I didn’t want to pretend! I didn’t want to smile and hear all of the wonderful words of encouragement and pretend they helped. I just wanted to hear your voice and have you here for dinner and have you tell me some story for the 300th time about how colicky of a baby I was. Well, kids are amazing. My boys (all three of them actually) kept asking, and we ended up having a gathering here at home. It was nice… was REALLY nice…. And I smiled and laughed and had a great time. And here’s the kicker … I felt guilty. AND . . . my hubby is amazing. For my gift, he contacted key people in my life and had them write letters to me about our journey and he made me a book ---- I couldn’t stop crying. Do you know HOW MANY people love me? It floored me! For as much as I believe I’m insignificant in this world, this was amazing! It gave me hope! Hope I’ve not had!

Fast forward one week. We needed to get away as my family of five. Now, don’t laugh, but I agreed to go away and “rough it” for four days. Niobrara State Park and, Dad, I had NO idea that it was EXACTLY what I needed. I hate showers w/no pressure, no tv, no phone, bugs, bare minimum cooking, all the things we did so much of --- but I LOVED IT!!!!! (ok, except for the sucky showers)! I found and felt something I didn’t know I’d lost! I laughed, no, REALLY laughed! I loved almost every minute. There was no phone, no tv, no job, no “michelle telling herself to get this done”. I didn’t realize how long it’d been since I ENJOYED my kids! How long it’d been since their laughter was healing medicine……since family time was what filled my core again.

The truth is I didn’t realize how empty I’ve become. I go through the motions. I don’t feel happy, I don’t allow myself to feel sad; I just do what needs to be done to get through today! For someone like me who’s always been an over thinker, over emotional girl, this phase is one I don’t visit often. I can only think of two other times in my life I’ve pushed myself to shut down to the point of “I truly don’t care”. On the other hand, we both know it’s not me to be like that. I don’t WANT to be like that, but I am scared of the hurt, anger, pain, etc if I allow myself to feel.

I found purpose, hope and happiness again. I came home full! Full of life, laughter, love and so much more. Is that ok? There is a part of me that feels like I have to find that perfect time for things to be “ok again” before I smile. I can’t explain it --- it’s just the honest way I process this. I feel like I have to check in somewhere to make sure I’m not seen as being a bad daughter for being happy. I know to the common mind that sounds odd, I am just talking out loud on how things process through my mind. I wonder often if I’m just screwed up. I know you’d look at me and say tell me “I live a good life and loved and did so much, please don’t get stuck in January. Don’t give up, don’t sell yourself short. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine --- go, live and take care of those kids.” It’s so much easier said than done….but I’m trying.

I found HAPPY again!!! I didn’t know I was actually missing it…. But I found HAPPY! I felt deep tummy laughter! I found myself laying in bed to go to sleep with a genuine smile on my face! I needed that. My kids needed that. My marriage needed that! And I didn’t know that I did!!!! I came home with a new outlook and it sustained me for about 10 days …. And then it was Father’s Day! BUT …. I need to tuck a babe into bed, AND I’m not sure my heart can handle THAT talk tonight --- so let’s talk about that tomorrow.

I love you!!!!!