Monday, March 22, 2010

Where are YOU? We NEED you!!!


Well . . . . when it rains it pours! WHY AREN’T YOU HERE to tell us it’s going to be ok! You always seem to have your wits about you in uncertain times . I don’t know if it was a learned behavior, your degree from the “school of hard knocks” , or just your amazing fatherly way of not knowing the “right” answer but showing me cool and calm under fire.

I needed you this week albeit over something stupid, but it showed me once again the hole that exists right now . . . . WHY WEREN’T YOU HERE!!! ???? This sucks and I don’t know how long this will take to get used to this ---- all I know is I’m NOT there now! I know that you’ve been a part of each of my days, and that I always knew you were “there” when I needed to run through my pro/con list to make a decision…..I just didn’t realize how much of a subconscious security blanket you were when I needed a sounding board.

Oh, it’s not that I don’t trust my husband and our decisions. Isn’t it amazing that at our age, YOU had just lost your wife and were facing raising two kids all on your own. What gives me the right to worry about money, cars, and stability …. and feel like it’s traumatic, and you were truly making life after death choices and decisions. WOW!!

I don't feel very strong lately.  Oh, I know I'll make it and this is just a low day --- it's simply a real feeling right now.  Maybe you didn’t raise as strong of a woman as you thought you did. I’m humbled at what I miss you for -- things that happen to people every day -- . . . .. when, at my age, you were trying to decide how you were going to go on without the love of your life. It’s weeks like this that I wonder --- did you run to Grandpa Humphrey crying (although hiding it from us) and saying, “Dad, what do I do? I’m scared, I have two kids, I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, and if it wasn’t for them, I’d cash it all in.” Or did you sit in our home and think, “It’s tough, I’ve got it handled because THIS is what grown ups do!” I always saw you as the later! I never have pictured you as scared and NOT knowing the right answer.

I should be thankful and grateful that I’m not forced to face some of the events you are ---- instead I feel like a wimp. I don’t feel that I could ever have weathered the storms you and Mom did and emerged victorious. Oh no, not that I’m wishing for that --- I think I’m feeling completely unworthy of being called “strong” compared to what you endured . . . all over a flipping transmission.

I’m driving home on St. Patrick’s Day. At a stop light, I let off the brake and press on the gas, only to have the van rev as if it was in neutral. A second attempt and the van JUMPS into gear and barely misses rear ending the car in front of me. I KNEW from growing up with a mechanic exactly what was going on ---- the transmission was shot (at least in first gear). I limped it to Bill, the mechanic, told him the story and left it.

Damn it – WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!? I wanna call and tell you that my car’s broke cuz that’s what I do and you talk me through it!!!! I wanted that “Shell, it’s just a car, this is what you need to do……” talk. Next day, DJ talks to Bill, DJ then talks to me about our options, I take notes and keep thinking “Dad will know what’s the best avenue.” I’m done talking to DJ, I go to call you and BAM!!!! I realize I can’t. I know this sounds stupid --- but never in this process did it dawn on me that I can’t bounce this off of you!!! As I sat at my desk at work and reality hit --- I sunk! WHY CAN’T YOU BE HERE!?!?!?!? DAMN IT!!! I am secure in the fact that you’ll clarify and talk me through so much …. my questions and reassure me “it’s not earth shattering.” I’m a prisoner to habit and stability and you know that about me and talk me through it in a way no one else can. 

It's amazing how something as simple as a car problem can bring to light all of the times I automatically relied on you!!   How many times I KNEW you'd be on the other end of the phone.  How, even though my husband, my brother, my BFF, logic, etc can walk me through an event, YOU have ALWAYS had a special tone and way of making it "be ok"..... NO ONE can replace that ... NO ONE!!  Yea, I'm a daddy's girl ....a grown up woman, wife and mom --- but there's a bond no one can replace. 

And then tonight happened….. Nancy needs you!!! Dad, she needs you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much… Where the hell are you!?!?!?! She got a call tonight that her very best friend (the woman who’s been there every day since you died, the woman who she talks to every morning and shows her unfiltered thoughts and feelings to) was found dead today. She’s crushed! SHE DOESN”T NEED ANOTHER LOSS!!! In a matter of 55 days she’s lost BOTH of her best friends -- the other one being you. She needs YOU! She needs a hug and support and to be able to cry without feeling the need to be strong. I’m here, and I have her with us so she’s not alone – but it’s not the same. She needs you!!!! Why aren’t you here????? She’s hurting and I don’t know her in the same way you and her friend did --- all I can do is be there and hug her and hope to do and say the right thing. I’m so heartbroken for her tonight … I can’t stop crying and thinking what if it was me! What if I’d lost DJ and my BFF ----- how do you truly wake up the next day!!?? I promise you . . . . like I did before ---- we’ll be there for her. We love her so much…. but what she really wants is YOU!!!!!!! Come back, PLEASE!!! I’m begging you!!   I'm a horribly poor inadequate substitute.   You are her rock and know how to calm and reassure her . . . . . SHE NEEDS YOU TONIGHT!!!!!! 

Do you KNOW how much we all need you for so many things???  So much has happened for all of us the past two weeks --- and we are all missing you horribly!! Why did you have to go? You were our glue!!! You were our “if Dad says it, it’s gonna be ok.” You were our guy that could hold us in your arms and the world seemed ok again ----- or at least it was going to be.

I’m mad tonight at God for taking you and a little mad at you for leaving . . . .I know you didn’t choose too, but damn it we need you more than God does – if He even exists.

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