So . . . . . I've spent a good deal of time the last four years providing updates on the status of my dad as he went through a massive heart attack, surgery, dialysis, two kidney transplants, a stroke and ultimately dying plus the journey with my second mom and her battle and victory with non-Hodgkins lymphoma. I never believed anyone read those updates for anything more than keeping up what was going on with their family member, friend, colleague, etc. Humbly, I've received an enormous amount of compliments, thank-yous, and encouragement to "not quit writing". I began the "CaringBridge" almost out of selfish reasons --- Curtis, Nancy and I were too tired to relay the message 50 times a day --- this was a great one stop shop for everyone to check in as it fit their schedule. I never in all my writing envisioned that it had an effect and actually touched people.
I've fought this yearning for a couple of weeks now -- but circumstances are what they are. Since my dad died --- THERE I SAID IT .... he DIED!.... try saying that to one of the "top 5's in your life" .... you can say it, but until you have to live it, you can not understand the enormity of those words! Since he died on January 28th, my mind, heart, pscyhe is overflowing and I need an outlet. So . . . . . I journal. I mentioned it to a few people and they said "SHARE IT. We love how you make words a reality.... share it". I pondered .... how can I share what is written on those pages? It's raw, it's rude, it's sad, it's mad..... it's anything but the "victorious, uplifting message I've always believed in."
Then I had a dream. In my dream, I saw a young man reading a blog called "Life Without A Loved One" and he read and he wept. He then posted a comment (and this was not MY blog in the dream) that for the first time he didn't feel alone. I'm not a huge believer in God right now, but I saw this as a vision. I bounced it off a few people that I trust for honesty, criticism, etc and they all said the same thing .... DO IT AND DON'T HOLD BACK!
There are so many things in life that we all think but allow peer, social, communal or political pressure to oblige us to hold it in. That won't happen here. There will be good days and bad. There will be yelling, screaming, tears, laughter, confidential, controversial topics....... it's all about what goes on with all the firsts. The first without a cornerstone member of your life . .. . .. . . this isn't (as before) Nancy, Curtis and my update to all of you --- this is MINE --- I'm not speaking for them as we EACH have our own journey through grief.
If you want to walk with me, I invite you to check back often. I will update as the mood, situation dictates. This WILL be different from CaringBridge. I won't always have the best attitude or say that we're strong and we'll make it. If one or 100 individuals read this --- it will be what it is .... a journey through 2010 without my dad.
If you're still reading, then bless you. Check back often. Don't preach at me or tell me "it'll be ok" or "just give it time"...... yea, I'm not up for that right now.
First true installment wil be tomorrow. Thank you and I love each of you for your trust and your ability to take what life throws at us without sugar coating it.